http://www.xojane.com/relationships/stop-saying-i-have-a-boyfriend
Being hit on- if you're not looking to meet someone, or sometimes even if you are- can be very, very uncomfortable. This article talks about the problem with using the "I have a boyfriend" line as a way to ward off the pick-ups and come-ons. Not only does this tactic involve appealing to male privilege in that it sends the message to the man attempting the pick-up that the only legitimate feelings/desires here worthy of respect are those of her male partner, but it also removes the agency from the woman, and assumes, as the author points out, "that single girls are 'fair game' for harassment".
This is what caught my eye, getting me to read the article in the first place:
"Male privilege is “I have a boyfriend” being the only thing that can actually stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male-bodied person more than they respect your rejection/lack of interest."
I have been seeing someone for a few years now, and unfortunately, without realizing the implications, I tend to use the "I have a boyfriend" line to deflect most unwanted attention directed my way. I can't believe that I have been doing this, thinking I'm being all strong and tough by simply rejecting the advance. This just goes to show how deeply rooted in language and cultural norms these biases are; that without even being cognizant of it, I have aided in perpetuating the notion that women's feelings or wants are less valid or deserving of respect than those of men, and that women can't just speak up and say what they (I) really mean: "I'm simply not interested in being hit on". (Or maybe they're not biases as subconscious as I thought, and I am just late to the empowerment/"speak up for yourself" game haha)
The author of this article offers up a possible scenario of how a conversation with a "picker upper" could go, should you choose to just say "I'm not interested".
”No, I said I’m not interested.”
“Oh, so you have a boyfriend?”
“I said, I’m not interested.”
“So you’re a lesbian, then?”
“Actually, I’m not interested.”
“You seem crazy.”
“Nope, just not interested.”
I love her dry, honest response and I actually think that I've heard this (or some version of it) played out in real life before. I have actually been asked if I were a lesbian, just for the simple fact that I (in a better display of deflection than the boyfriend line) ignored someone or made some snide remark. Cause yeah, you know the second a woman doesn't desire you, she MUST be a lesbian, because obviously there's no way she could possibly desire men if she doesn't desire you.
Give the article a read and I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts or experiences with this!
Also, if there's any lesbians in the class, I'd be interested to hear their perspective on this, since the "I have a boyfriend" line doesn't really work here (and I can now say: nor should it anywhere). Let the girl speak for herself, damnit!
I truly believe that article. I remember when I used to use that line to get away from boys. However, I realized that caused more problems then what it should have.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is really that when you say that you are not interested the next question is immediately "are you a lesbian?" If someone is not interested then why does there have to be a reason. People are allowed to make choices without other people needing a reason.
ReplyDeleteLove this article! Why do I have to use my boyfriend as a shield for unwanted attention? As if the only barrier that men will recognize is another man. It's a frustrating point that I think I never was truly conscious of. But now that I think about it, every time I 've ever been hit on, "no thank you" or "I'm not interested" just doesn't seem to be a legitimate reason.
ReplyDeleteSeriously love it! Obviously if I'm uninterested I must have a boyfriend or something wrong with me. haha This thought process is so dumb.
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